My Story.

Let’s cut to the chase with my story - it’s a relatable one for many, ya know, the “I never had to worry about my weight” girl that goes to college, binge drinks every weekend, finishes a family size nutella jar in a week and becomes body conscious for the first time??? Yeah, that’s me. 

First, let’s get micro. Flashback to high school- I was a total athlete, in decent shape, and yes...I never had to worry about what I ate or how often I ate. In fact, I really never thought about food. I just ate when I was hungry. I don’t know, like a “normal person,” I guess. 

Life was easy.

But, this all changed during my first year as a Penn State student when I put on enough weight to not feel like myself anymore. I was uncomfortable. I stopped going to the gym because I chose to prioritize other things going on in my life. I was going through a tough break up, had a demanding waitressing job, was constantly going out with friends, and stayed up late into the night (with plenty of snacks in hand) catching up on school work. 

 Honestly, I didn't even realize how much weight I had put on until I started uploading Facebook pics at the end of my spring semester. I couldn't get over how I looked in comparison to high school pictures...and it made me extremely insecure. I'm talking insecure to the point where I refused to let my picture be taken, obsessively restricted my eating, and ran miles on the treadmill everyday in hopes of seeing a drastic change overnight. 

To put it simply, cue the comparison trap. 

My habits became wildly unhealthy and it all happened within a blink. By the time sophomore year started, I had probably lost no more than five pounds, but I wanted to lose more and really get “dedicated.”This is when it started to become pretty dark for me mentally and physically. 

After the first week or so of my fall semester of sophomore year, I decided the only way I could really “lose the weight” would be by eating next to nothing and doing as much cardio as possible. Looking back now, I was so desperate to look like every other thin girl on campus. I’ll spare you the numbers, but at that point, I was eating well under half of what I should have been per day and going to the gym everyday for two hours-sometimes twice. 

As a result of my dangerous habits, the weight came off fast and people started noticing. Nothing feeds an eating disorder and exercise addiction more than hearing “You look so good!” and “Omg! What’s your secret?” This only encouraged me to continue the disordered behaviors. This cycle went on as the number on the scale continued to drop. Somewhere down the line, my body inevitably crashed. I was unable to think clearly, pay attention in class, walk far distances, or stay up for long periods of time- I was in a constant state of exhaustion and my body didn't hold back from making me fully aware of that...I struggled to go up a flight of stairs and had no desire to hang out with my friends or leave my apartment. 

I went into full isolation mode. After months of missing out on memories, I realized it was time for a change. So many important moments had passed me by. 

One night, as I was scrolling through Instagram before bed, I came across a fitness account. Mhm, you know what I’m talking about- a super in shape girl posting her workout routine, food and lifestyle choices. She made it look SO EASY.  This one was a bit different though- the girl behind the posts had suffered from an eating disorder before turning her life around, and I became obsessed with her transformation. In fact, I wanted to be just like her. I wanted to train like her, eat like her, take all the same supplements...the works. These thoughts were weird considering that I didn't know her at all, let alone anything about the fitness world. But, for some reason, it was refreshing to think about wanting to look and feel strong instead of thin and weak for once. I could almost feel my mind slowly shifting into a better place, and something about that felt right. So, I vowed to take that feeling and run with it. 

I started with research. Blogs, podcasts, books, influencers, all of it. IT WAS OVERWHELMING TBH WITH YOU. Every influencer had some sort of “secret,” like you have to use this specific protein powder, take these vitamins, get all your greens, workout 5-6x per week, track your macros, alcohol is a no-no, get enough sleep, and the list goes on. I started to convince myself that there was no way I could manage all of these "musts" and still be a successful college student with a job and a social life. I felt helpless. Remember that comparison trap? Yeah, I was still stuck there.

Through it all, I stuck to my promise and I took a leap of faith. By a leap of faith I mean that I picked up a dumbbell instead of running on the treadmill for 2 hours. I started slow- weight training for about 45 minutes, 4-5x per week. I would copy Instagram or YouTube workouts in hopes that they would somehow transform my body on their own. What I failed to focus on was my diet...and that's where my love for nutrition truly came alive- but my journey from here wasn’t a totally positive one (sorry).

Yup, you probably guessed it, I hopped on the macro tracking train and practiced this for about a year. I don't want to say that it single-handedly changed my outlook on nutrition, food, and fueling my body- but it really did, in both good ways and bad. At first, I saw it as a way to learn about proper portion sizes, but it quickly spiraled into an obsessive and stressful lifestyle around food (especially at restaurants and social events) and my downward spiral started again. I felt the need to count everything and I used that as an excuse to eat less. A constant mind battle between “well, if I don’t eat the cookie, then I don’t have to go through the hassle of logging it” and “I really wanna sink my teeth into that warm chocolate chip cookie immediately” played in my head almost daily. In fact, I practically lived on the MyFitnessPal app. To be totally transparent, it wasn’t until the summer of 2019, after a doctor’s appointment, when things really shifted into perspective. 

Routinely, I had my weight checked first, but I was facing the opposite direction and couldn’t see the number, which I wasn’t totally against at the time. I don’t think I wanted to know. The nurse prompted me to step off and I found it odd that she didn’t recite my weight back to me as she usually did. When my doctor finally came in, I immediately felt the elephant in the room and a weight on my chest. She told me my weight and I remember a moment of shock. I  hadn’t realized just how bad my eating disorder and obsessive lifestyle had gotten. We had a tough conversation, I skirted around a lot of her comments that I considered “accusations” at the time, and left quickly. I cried in my car for a half hour, deleted the tracking app, and drove home with racing thoughts about how I was going to change. I was scared to continue down the path I was on, but I was even more scared of putting weight back on. That’s the power of this illness, you feel a sense of loyalty to your eating disorder.

Since then, I’ve truly blossomed into exactly who I've always wanted to be. It’s been slow and definitely not easy, but practicing mental wellness, self acceptance, and radical honesty have helped me more than anything. Finding Pilates as an alternative to high impact exercise during recovery and developing my own unique approach to the practice has saved my life, truly...that’s why my passion for sharing it with those who have a similar story or anyone wanting to escape the comparison trap and feel their best is so strong. It’s possible to recover into a space of loving overall wellness.

It’s a mental, physical, and spiritual shift like no other. So join me and let’s get in flow!